Steven’s Pet Bonanza Emporium

Ding-a-ling!

Hello, and wel­come to Steven’s Pet Bon­anza Emporium. Yes, I know the sign doesn’t say that. I just set up shop. Haven’t changed the sign yet. Please, take a look around.

Not really inter­ested in a pet, sir? Did you know a pet will always love you, sir? Did you know a pet will never leave you, sir? Did you know that they are like a small mem­ber of the fam­ily you can tie up and take for walks, sir? Are you still not inter­ested in a pet, sir, know­ing all that?

No, sir, the bank has moved next door now. OK, sir. Have a nice day.

Ding-a-ling.


Ding-a-ling!

Hello, and wel­come to Steven’s Pet – Why did I say ding-a-ling, madam? The bell’s broken. The bank? No, that’s next door. Yes, madam, I haven’t had the sign changed yet. Can I ask why you’re going to the bank madam?

I see, I see. Do you know what a bank account is, madam? It’s a glor­i­fied piggy bank, that’s all. No, madam, I don’t think I am over­sim­pli­fy­ing it. No, it is exactly like that, madam, and you know what’s bet­ter than a piggy bank, madam? A real live pig. Yes, that’s right. Let me show you our stock. No, no, I insist.

Now, this is what I like to call our ‘large’ model. If that seems a bit pig, excuse me, big! Haha! A little joke for you there, madam. If that seems a little big, not pig, madam, then we can go down a size cat­egory. Breeds? I told you already, madam, they’re pigs. Yes, that is their breed madam, pigs. P-I-G. S.

No, you are ignorant.

There’s no need for that, madam. I think I will have to ask you to leave. Have a good day, madam.

I will not do that to the pigs, madam.

Ding-a-ling.


Ding-a-ling!

Hello, sir, and wel­come to – Ding-a-ling!

Oh dear. I’m sorry, madam, I’ll have to ask you to leave. Why? I’m already serving some­body, madam. No, I can only serve one per­son at a time, madam, I’m not superman!

No, madam, I am not jok­ing. Please leave.

Ding-a-ling.

Sorry about that, sir. Can I help you? A pet? Cer­tainly, sir. Can I interest you in one of these pigs?

No, sir? Not to your lik­ing? Tra­di­tional, sir? For your daugh­ter. Well, I have some snakes in the back office if – no snakes? What did you have in mind then, sir?

No, no, no, sir. No cats or dogs here. Let me tell you about cats and dogs, sir. There’s only one word for cats and dogs: bor­ing. Yes, bor­ing, sir. They are the turds of the animal king­dom. Will a cat sing you to sleep at night with its gentle oink­ing? Will a dog eat week old veget­able waste you for­got you had? No, sir, it will not. If you want a truly inter­est­ing animal, I highly recom­mend a pig.

That’s very narrow-minded of you, sir.

Sir, you are becom­ing agit­ated. Please leave, lest I sum­mon my guard pig.

Ding-a-ling.


Ding-a-Ling!

Hello, and wel­come to – Ah, Mr. Pritchard! How can I help – what are the pigs doing here again, sir? Well, I –

Yes, I know there are no anim­als allowed in the bank, sir. I thought we could branch out though, sir. No harm in – pig mess, sir. The cus­tom­ers? All next door, sir. At the bank. Well, it’s not a bank now, no, but they can branch out too.

Snakes? Hah! No, sir. Not this time. No, no, no. They’re in your office again, yes.

Yes. Yes. Sorry. Yes, I think that’s prob­ably for the best too, sir. I’ll get my coat. I don’t sup­pose you could do the bell noise as I leave, sir? No? That’s fine. That’s fine.

Ding-a-ling.

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  1. Pingback: Pigs are the most intelligent animal. Tasty too. | Fingerwords