Hello, and welcome to Steven’s Pet Bonanza Emporium. Yes, I know the sign doesn’t say that. I just set up shop. Haven’t changed the sign yet. Please, take a look around.
Not really interested in a pet, sir? Did you know a pet will always love you, sir? Did you know a pet will never leave you, sir? Did you know that they are like a small member of the family you can tie up and take for walks, sir? Are you still not interested in a pet, sir, knowing all that?
No, sir, the bank has moved next door now. OK, sir. Have a nice day.
Hello, and welcome to Steven’s Pet – Why did I say ding-a-ling, madam? The bell’s broken. The bank? No, that’s next door. Yes, madam, I haven’t had the sign changed yet. Can I ask why you’re going to the bank madam?
I see, I see. Do you know what a bank account is, madam? It’s a glorified piggy bank, that’s all. No, madam, I don’t think I am oversimplifying it. No, it is exactly like that, madam, and you know what’s better than a piggy bank, madam? A real live pig. Yes, that’s right. Let me show you our stock. No, no, I insist.
Now, this is what I like to call our ‘large’ model. If that seems a bit pig, excuse me, big! Haha! A little joke for you there, madam. If that seems a little big, not pig, madam, then we can go down a size category. Breeds? I told you already, madam, they’re pigs. Yes, that is their breed madam, pigs. P-I-G. S.
No, you are ignorant.
There’s no need for that, madam. I think I will have to ask you to leave. Have a good day, madam.
I will not do that to the pigs, madam.
Hello, sir, and welcome to – Ding-a-ling!
Oh dear. I’m sorry, madam, I’ll have to ask you to leave. Why? I’m already serving somebody, madam. No, I can only serve one person at a time, madam, I’m not superman!
No, madam, I am not joking. Please leave.
Sorry about that, sir. Can I help you? A pet? Certainly, sir. Can I interest you in one of these pigs?
No, sir? Not to your liking? Traditional, sir? For your daughter. Well, I have some snakes in the back office if – no snakes? What did you have in mind then, sir?
No, no, no, sir. No cats or dogs here. Let me tell you about cats and dogs, sir. There’s only one word for cats and dogs: boring. Yes, boring, sir. They are the turds of the animal kingdom. Will a cat sing you to sleep at night with its gentle oinking? Will a dog eat week old vegetable waste you forgot you had? No, sir, it will not. If you want a truly interesting animal, I highly recommend a pig.
That’s very narrow-minded of you, sir.
Sir, you are becoming agitated. Please leave, lest I summon my guard pig.
Hello, and welcome to – Ah, Mr. Pritchard! How can I help – what are the pigs doing here again, sir? Well, I –
Yes, I know there are no animals allowed in the bank, sir. I thought we could branch out though, sir. No harm in – pig mess, sir. The customers? All next door, sir. At the bank. Well, it’s not a bank now, no, but they can branch out too.
Snakes? Hah! No, sir. Not this time. No, no, no. They’re in your office again, yes.
Yes. Yes. Sorry. Yes, I think that’s probably for the best too, sir. I’ll get my coat. I don’t suppose you could do the bell noise as I leave, sir? No? That’s fine. That’s fine.